Folken Goes to Sam's Club
by Scarbie
Summary: Completed! While Folken is in Sam's Club he has more to get than he bargained for and runs into one of his biggest fans.
1. Going to Get Office Supplies

Disclaimer: I made the people at Sunrise a deal I thought they couldn't refuse but evidently they could because I still do not own anything else from Escaflowne (not even the Mole Man).

A/N: The idea for this craziness hit me when I was in Sam's Club today. Some days I just love that place and other days it is the bane of my existence.

Folken Goes to Sam's Club

            "Okay people I'm going to Sam's Club to get some office supplies." Folken announced when he stepped out of his office. "If you need anything, please write a list for me but I plan on leaving in five minutes."

            Everybody went to find pen and paper. Naria and Eriya return two minutes later. "Here you go Lord Folken." They said simultaneously. Then the two young catwomen began to giggle. Folken rolled his eyes at them playfully and began to chuckle "All right girls," he then took the list from Naria's hand, "I'll wait a few more minutes for the others to give me their list."

            After everyone gave Folken their lists, he turns to Naria and Eriya and says with a gentle smile "I'll be back as soon as I can, hopefully in two hours if the lines aren't too long." 

            "See you later Lord Folken…" Naria started.

            "And be careful." Eriya finished.

As Folken started to make his way down the hallway, an annoying effeminate voice ranged out. "What about me, Folken?" the person asked. Folken sighs and looks behind him to see Dilandau running up. "Oh Lord!" Folken thinks. Folken is great at keeping his feelings under wraps because if he wasn't everyone and their mama would know that every time he sees Dilandau he wants to slap the monkey crap out of him. Not regular crap—_Monkey crap _there's a difference. 

A few seconds later, Dilandau is standing right next to him. "What about me?" Dilandau asks again. Folken looks down at him slowly. "What about you?" he says coldly and then turns to continue on his way at an unrushed pace. 

Dilandau was about to confront Folken about his "rude" behavior when he heard light airy laughter. He turns around abruptly to see Naria and Eriya laughing softly at him. Everyone else was oblivious to how badly Folken had shunned him, but unfortunately for Dilandau, Naria and Eriya had the exceptional hearing that is associated with their species. "No laughing! What are you laughing at!?" Dilandau barks. "I don't like it when people laugh at me!"

This only makes matters worse. The laughs that the catwomen were barely keeping at a reasonable volume erupted. They began laughing so loud and hard that tears began to stream from their eyes and their stomachs began to hurt. They then collapsed to the floor howling with laughter (if its possible for a cat to howl). Dilandau was so enraged he didn't even think to kick them while they were down. He instead ran back to the Dragon Slayers quarters. 

"Hahaheehee. Dilandau is a little puuuuuuuunk!" Eriya squealed.

A/N: I just want to say I'm sorry to all the Dilandau fans out there. I just don't like the dude.


	2. Would you like to try the chicken salad?

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from Escaflowne. I don't own Twizzlers, Jay's Hot Stuff potato chips, or Herbal Essences hair products. I'll get over it. I don't even own Charlotte. She is on loan from animation_girl18@hotmail.com. Thank you very much for the use of your character. 

Chapter 2

Folken has been piloting Naria's guymelef in jet mode for twenty minutes. While traveling, he admires his surroundings. It is a beautiful spring afternoon; the sun is out, and the sky is a lovely crystalline blue with no sign of rain clouds. "When I get time, I need to work on the lighting system in Zaibach." Folken thinks. He never calls the dark country home. 

He was quickly approaching his destination. Below him, a large parking lot can be seen. On the lot, near the entrance to the store, is a huge area that is marked with an electric blue X that is squared in by the same color. It takes up approximately one-sixteenth of the parking lot. This is Folken's usual parking spot. He gently lands the guymelef and gets out. He adjusts his clothes and proceeds to walk toward the store. 

As Folken was walking to the store, an elderly couple driving a 1985 Buick Regal (I don't own that either) observes him. "Remember when _that_ was handicapped parking spaces, Ned." The wife commented to her husband driving the car. 

"Sure do, Martha." Ned responds. He then proceeds to circle around to find a parking space.

At the entrance, Folken gets one of the remaining shopping carts. After walking five feet with it, the cart gains a mind of its own veering to the right when Folken is pushing it straight ahead. Folken sighs and grabs another cart which is much more cooperative. Folken reaches into his pocket to pull out his "Sam Club Elite" membership card and shows it to the door attendant. When he enters the main part of the store he sees that it is packed. Just up ahead a large group of people are gathered, in the middle of this chaos is a small man wearing the red vest that is typical of Sam's Club employees. "Enter the raffle to win a 53 inch screen color TV." The man bellows. Folken contemplates this for a moment and thinks, "Hmmm. What the heck we could use a TV in the rec room."

After filling out a raffle ticket Folken gets down to business. He pulls out all the lists and reads them. Many items on the lists duplicate the supplies that he needs like reams of paper and printer ink. "Oh I should be out of here real quick." Folken thinks. He quickly obtains the items on his list and the others. As he was picking up things, he smelled a wonderful aroma. "Oh yes, the samples…" Folken thinks with a smile, "that's the best part." Folken navigates through the many people to get to the sample area.

At the sample area Folken tries several things. He especially liked the teriyaki wings and picked up three bags of those. The salmon burger (uh, I _definitely_ don't own this) with dill sauce was a whole 'nother story. As he was making his was out of this particular section he heard a voice say "Excuse me sir." Folken turned around and saw a sweet faced middle-aged woman. "Oh man," Folken thought, "she gets me every time."

He walks over to the woman and she smiles warmly at him. "Good afternoon sir. It's a lovely day today isn't it," She says politely.

Folken smiles back at her and says "Good afternoon to you ma'am. It is very pleasant out."

"Would you like to try some of our chicken salad sir?"

"I hate chicken salad!" Folken thinks. What he says out loud is "Sure, why not."

The woman proceeds to put a spoonful of the chicken salad on a cracker, then places that on a napkin and hands the finished product to Folken.

Folken internally braces himself as he raises the chicken salad covered cracker to his mouth. He is tempted to swallow the disgusting finger food whole but he decided not to risk chocking. He chews the cracker quickly and swallows. "Mmmm…tasty," Folken says convincingly, maybe a little too convincingly.

"Why darling you just tore that up. Would you like to buy some?"

"No, not really." A voice in the back of Folken's mind replies.

"I would love to." Folken responds with a generous smile that was sincere.

The nice sample lady turned around, reached into the freezer behind her, and then hands him a 5 lb tub of chicken salad.

"Have a nice day, sir!" she says sweetly.

"You too." Folken said as he waved to her. "Well everyone else likes it so it's no big deal." he thinks.

As Folken finally made his way out of the sample section he remembered that he didn't see Naria and Eriya's list. "It must be in my other pocket." he thinks.

Folken reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a list written on pink paper. As he glances at it, he sees that there are hand drawn smiley faces on it. Folken smiles and thinks "those two are so sweet." The first item he sees on the list are gel pens. He goes and gets those and while he's at it he picks up four types of stationary for them. He goes through their list one item at time. As he was walking he sees the snack section. He picks up a package of Twizzlers because those are Naria and Eriya's favorites. He also saw a bulk pack of Hot Stuff potato chips, which are _his_ favorite.

Folken knowing that he was nearing the end of the twins' list took one final look at it. When his eyes spotted the last item on the list they grew very wide. "Oh this is just _wonderful_. It's time to go incognito," he thinks with a feeling of dread. He flips the collar to his cloak up higher than usual to hide his features.

He quickly heads toward the aisle where the cotton swabs are. Folken looks among certain boxes in the section. He is very deep in thought. He looks back to the girls' list to see if it is of any assistance. Unfortunately, it is not. "Is it the blue box with the yellow stripe or is it the box with the _pink_ stripe." Folken wonders. _Wait a moment_…. He remembers the girls telling him not to worry about the color of the stripe but look for the number of stars on the package. "Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I'll just find the box with the three stars and get the heck out of here." He thinks frantically. As hard as he looked he didn't find a box with what he was looking for. He then noticed that part of this section was empty. "Oh man they're out of stock." Folken thinks and then sighs deeply. At this point he is willing to pick up anything. As he is about to do just this he sees someone pushing a mountain of stuff. He quickly moves back towards the cotton swabs and shampoo and pretends to be interested in a bottle of conditioner. He plans to continue this charade until the person leaves. 

The person pushing the cart happens to be young female employee that is restocking. She appears to be about 18 years old and has shiny dark brown shoulder length hair. She lifts a couple of blue packages with green stripes off the cart and places them in the vacant space in the aisle. Folken observes this out the corner of his eye. "Those packages that the girl is putting up are what I need," Folken thinks, "I wish she would hurry up though." Folken then realizes that he should "inspect" a different bottle of conditioner. 

A few moments later Folken notices that he hasn't heard any boxes being restocked. He turns his head to see if the girl has left and he sees that she is still there. What's worse is that she is staring _directly_ at him like a deer caught in headlights. "Do I have underwear on my head or something." Folken thinks. He decides to turn completely around and see what the problem is.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh", the girl started saying rapidly "I can't believe its you!" She starts jumping up and down giggling. She runs up to him and gazes at him intently with dark blue eyes.

Folken is a little uncomfortable with the girl's scrutiny. He has to look down at the young woman because she only a little bit taller than his shoulder. On her vest there was a nametag that said "Charlotte". 

"I KNEW IT! You use Herbal Essences conditioner!" Charlotte exclaimed triumphantly.

During all this he forgot that he was still holding the bottle of conditioner in his left hand. His eyes flicked down toward the bottle. "So it is." Folken thought.

"Just wait 'till I tell my friends that I saw you." Charlotte chortled. Her glee quickly disappeared. "They probably wouldn't even believe me when I tell them," she said solemnly, "I won't have any proof." 

The girl looked so sad that Folken wanted to do something nice for her. "What can I do for you Charlotte?" Folken asked nicely.

"Umm…may I have your autograph?"

"Sure, do you have some pen and paper."

Charlotte reached in the back pocket of her faded jeans and got a pen. She then searched the pockets of her vest to see if she had some paper. All she could find was some lint and a black marker. "Oh nooooo!" she moaned despairingly with her hands cupping her face "I don't have any paper." Her eyes light up a second later and she hands Folken the black marker. "I know! Write it on my vest." She begins excitedly "Right over my _heart_." She then thrust out her chest.

"Oh man," Folken thinks, "this girl is insane. But if it will make her happy and get her out of the aisle…"

"Okay Charlotte, how would you like me to make it out?" Folken asked her. 

She told him and after he finished she said "You know what Lord Folken you're my favorite. A couple of my friends think that Dilandau is cute but I told them that you're the T.P."

"'T.P.?' I'm not familiar with that phrase." Folken told her.

"Oh T.P. means total package. I mean you have it all; the looks and intelligence." she said seriously. Then she blew it when she squealed "You're just so awesome! Can I have a hug?"

"Sure you can." Folken said. With that said she all but tackled him. She reluctantly let go and said "It was great meeting you Folkie…uh I mean Lord Folken." 

"It was nice meeting you too, Charlotte." She then took her cart and proceeded to go to another section of the store.

"Hehhehe. He said my name three times. _Three_." She thought gleefully.

Charlotte turned out to be less insane than Folken originally thought. With the area clear again he quickly picked up one of the blue boxes with the three stars and moved expeditiously away from the aisle. As he was nearing the check out line, he was thinking did he get every thing that he needed. For some odd reason Dilandau's image popped into his mind. "Oh yeah, we need some more soap." He gets the antibacterial kind and steps into the shortest checkout line.

THE END


End file.
